The Disney/Pixar animated film Inside Out would have you believe you own your emotions. After all, they exist inside your head and respond to your situations. So, that means they’re yours, right?

Technically, yes, but only if you fight for them. From the moment we are born, there is a litany of external forces attempting to control how we feel, when we feel it, and how we respond to those feelings. Some of those sources have our best interest at heart, hoping to keep our experiences happy and worry-free. Others, however, are manipulative to the point of being abusive.

The three most common sources of emotional abuse are Relationships, Religion, and Politics. However, a large part of the reason we are susceptible to having our emotions manipulated is because of messages we get from society. Many of our interactions, from preschool to the nursing home, are designed to play to our emotions.

Make Friends, Influence People

In 1936, a door-to-door salesman turned teacher published a book that, arguably, changed the American mindset. Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People came at a time when people were in the depths of the Great Depression, and Europe was on the verge of war. People worldwide were looking for a way to avoid being crushed by the changing environment. 

Carnegie’s method focused on three primary tenets:

1. Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain.
2. Be genuine.
3. Listen to what people say, and how they say it.

Those concepts changed human interaction in ways that still dominate much of Western civilization. As much as anything, people made an attempt to appear genuine. Doing things like using a person’s first name, mentioning their interests more often than yours, and treating others with respect became staples of human interaction.

While those methods are effective (I still make a habit of calling people by name when possible), it also opens the door to manipulation. We teach children not to “be mean” because no one will like them, for example. Almost everyone wants to be liked, so the child shelves whatever their natural emotion is and adjusts to make themselves socially acceptable.

From there, the manipulation only gets worse.

Faith-Based Emotions

Emotional manipulation didn’t start in the twentieth century. Paleontologists will argue that it was the ability to address the basic emotions of fear, hunger, and happiness that first allowed charismatic leaders to rise up to rule over large populations. One of the easiest tools for doing so was through religious programming.

The tools of this manipulation reads like an instruction manual for abuse. Consider some of the most common methods faith-based organizations implement to control your emotions:

• Fear of Damnation and Punishment (you don’t want a deity to hate you)
• Guilt and Shame Induction (natural flaws are moral failures)
• Reframing Internal Emotions (personal feelings are a lack of faith)
• Spiritual Gaslighting (leaders are perfect and manufactured euphoria is real)
• Conditional Love and Belonging (acceptance requires devotion)
• Sensory and Group Conditioning (music, group chanting, holding hands)

All of those steps are ultimately used against you. We are made to feel that we are nothing, that our native emotions are not valid, and that the only value we have is as part of the group. Live your own life? They’ll tell you that there is no genuine life outside of the faith they push. Autonomy, therefore, becomes sin. The emotional abuse begins with simple songs such as “Jesus Loves Me,” and follows all the way through to how we die and where we’re buried.

Politics of Fear and Hate

The political system of all of Western Civilization is a massive exercise in attempted emotional manipulation that has become so abusive that the most disenfranchised victims of that abuse are afraid to vote. Our emotions are worn down to the point that at some point I expect an ambulance-chasing attorney to file a class-action lawsuit seeking damages against an entire country’s population. Consider some of the more abusive tactics that politicians employ:

• Gaslighting and Reality Distortion; you know, like claiming that teachers are doing sex-change operations at school.
• Fearmongering and Crisis Manufacturing; the familiar refrain that immigrants are taking jobs and using too many public resources.
• Scapegoating and Public Humiliation; calling people names such as liberals, communists, and, gasp, vegans.
• Trauma Bonding and Loyalty Demands; the promise of payments that never arrive and department heads with zero experience but deep loyalty.
• Blame-Shifting and Projection: nothing is ever their fault, and the media, especially, is nothing but a bunch of liars. They are incapable of taking any responsibility for their actions.

How much of this can your emotions endure? The long-term effects of these abusive methods are severe. Self-worth and critical thinking are eroded to the point that people no longer have any sense of agency or the ability to argue against abusive policies. Over time, prolonged manipulation often leads to political exhaustion, widespread distrust of institutions, and civic withdrawal. 

Emotions Withheld and Weaponized

As deplorable as faith-based and political abuse is on our emotions, the worst is what we receive from people we are taught to respect, to love, and to trust. Abusive relationships challenge the essence of who we are and question whether we deserve love or kindness at all. From parents who abandon their kids to partners who are unapologetic alcoholics, these people surround us in places that should be safe, but aren’t. They can be teachers, employers, law enforcement, or anyone else we interact with on a regular basis. Our emotions and our bodies are not safe around these people.

What’s important here is not so much attempting to define who the abusers are, but recognizing that we’re victims of abuse and seeking help. More often than not, people are victims of emotional abuse from more than one source. As a result, we need to seek help for our abuse and confront the abusers when our emotions can handle that challenge. Some ways to recognize that you are emotionally abused include:

• Constant criticism and belittling; if you’re being put down, insulted, and nothing you do is “good enough.”
• Gaslighting and manipulation; saying you’re “too sensitive” and questioning your memory.
• Isolation from loved ones; keeping you from spending time with others, not letting you see friends.
• Controlling behavior; when every movement is monitored, they insist on knowing where you are and dictating where you go.
• Blame-shifting; including the classic line, “Look what you made me do.”
• Walking on eggshells; extreme mood swings that have you second-guessing every move you make.
• Emotional blackmail; the most frightening method of this is threatening to harm themselves if you set boundaries.

Finding The Help We Need

What I want you to realize is that if these conditions describe your life to any degree, your emotions, and quite likely your life, are in danger. We’ve already talked some about finding therapy for people in marginalized groups. The same resources apply in matters of emotional abuse. In fact, I would argue that marginalized populations are more likely to be victims of emotional abuse than most other groups. Too many people see us as easy targets. We shouldn’t be afraid of seeking help, though; with emotional abuse, that’s often the reason we sit here and suffer. Trusting anyone is a challenge. Know that the comment sections on these pages are intended to be safe. Ask questions, and we’ll do our best to provide supportive answers.

This is why the Church of Steelle is here. We care.

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact us.