I know that simply seeing the word “church” anywhere, in any form, is triggering for some people. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that someone and/or something hurt you, inflicted trauma upon you, and left you scarred. I want to acknowledge up front that no matter who was in charge, what happened, when it happened, or whether anyone acknowledges what happened, it was not your fault. Too often, authoritarian structures, such as churches, are too convenient a place for criminals to hide, whether it was behind a collar, a pulpit, a title, or what you thought at the time was friendship. SOMEONE ELSE’S ACTIONS AGAINST YOU IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 

One of the critical changes over the past twenty years is that we’ve come to realize that religious trauma is far more widespread than anyone ever wanted to accept. Many denominations, churches, synagogues, temples, mosques, and prayer and meditation spaces were involved in the abuse and chose to look away. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

When I was first made aware that people I knew, people to whom I looked up and admired, were involved in perpetrating this trauma, I was furious. No one has the right to harm anyone vulnerable, especially within the restrictive confines of religious teaching. I had to make a choice: either allow the anger to eat away at me, or help others heal. Healing is obviously the better direction of movement. But where to start? Deconstructing Religious Trauma takes time, and seriously, find a good secular therapist if this trauma interferes with your ability to live a normal and healthy life. Trauma is not something we take lightly. But to start, let’s consider these four steps.

Reclaim Cognitive and Emotional Autonomy

Trauma, especially authoritarian-based trauma, is an assault on more than just behavior; your thoughts and feelings take a hit as well. You need to reclaim the right to trust your own mind. If your brain is telling you that a person of authority is shady, don’t wait for proof, believe what your mind is telling you and leave. Sure, that sounds easy, but trauma teaches us to trust our abuser over ourselves. We repeat the “thought-stopping” clichés, worry about “going to hell” or some other retribution. The process takes time.

You have every right to be fully in charge of yourself. No one has the right to tell you what to think anymore than they would have the right to tell you what to eat or drink, what to wear, or who to hang out with. Those are your decisions. Take all that power back; it’s yours.

Unpack the Theological Nonsense

A lot of trauma comes from feeding people a steady diet of culture-enforced ideas such as inherent depravity, purity culture, that some people can be “unclean.” Over time, those concepts really have a negative effect on our mental state. Any number of problems can occur, from depression and anxiety to shame and ideations of physical harm. Overcoming the trauma of being repeatedly told that you’re somehow unworthy is a monstrous battle!

Be aware that deconstruction is not simply about changing your mind regarding historical and/or religious texts. Rather, it is an active process of neutralizing concepts intentionally used against you. Maybe the source of the abuse knew they were hurting you, or maybe they legitimately thought they were “saving your soul.” Neither chance the fact that you were harmed, and none of the abuse was your fault. 

Breaking Inter-generational Cycles

I can trace my mother’s family all the way back to 14th century France. On one level, that sounds really cool. But when I began digging, I found a ton of religious trauma that impacted their decisions from one generation to the next. This trauma forced generations to move, to pack up and move to the “New World,” to fight in wars, to kill people for their beliefs, and inflict more trauma and more pain on each subsequent generation. Over 600 years of history, and there’s religious trauma seen every step of the way. When I realized that, I became incredibly sad.

As you deconstruct your trauma, you can essentially establish a firewall that protects those coming after you. We change how we parent. We update our vocabulary. Fear is replaced with confidence. Religious trauma can stop with this generation.

Mourning The Community

For many people, church was the community. This is especially true in small, rural towns. No one mentioned the trauma because the trauma was shared. Everyone was damaged, and our sense of community was tied to that mutual pain. When we begin deconstructing the religious trauma, however, we lose that sense of community. The less pain we feel, the more we don’t belong.

Understand that recovery takes time. What do you do with your Sunday morning? How do you respond when you hear what used to be your favorite hymn? Do you still perform certain motions out of habit? The long fingers of religious trauma reach deep inside us. We need a new community, one that isn’t going to hurt.

Hopefully, the Church of Steelle can be part of that community for you. I don’t claim to be the answer to every problem for everyone. But maybe, just maybe, when you’re here, your trauma is a little less triggered, your mind finds traces of healing, and a new way of living life on your own term can begin.